Now Accepting Resumes and Applications

So I was reading someone’s blog and they had a resume, but it wasn’t of their past job positions or work objective. It was about himself, his relationship objective, his education on his macking and man skills, past relationships….why they were together and even why they broke-up, it even had a cute little picture with it. Just in case you need to see your potential prospect J. Well it got me to thinking!!!!! Yes, just in case you’re wondering my hamster does exercise! What if we all had to give our “potentials” a resume or applications about ourselves before we even hit the first date?!?!!?

In this application that I would hand out I need to know your FULL government so that my BFF can google you and Maryland Case search you! I need to know your last 5 relationship statues, even if they were just your “buddies” *wink*wink* along with the most recent ones phone number. I want to know your last 2 most recent residence’s or if you were living with someone, the dates in which you resided there and if you could be a possible nomad. I’m going to need to know your last checkup and HIV test date along with the name and number to the doctor you seen, attached will be a release of information form so that all of this information can be verified by yours truly. Your highest level of education and your 3 most resent job positions held and current annual salary. There will also be a section so that you can list all children and potential children, the name of their mother’s and her best friend and the amount of money in which you give to support these children.  I will also need at least 5 references, two of the 5 being a parent/close relative and a best friend. If ya’ll think of anymore that can be added please let me know as these will go into print soon. LOL

What if every man that wanted my number, I just handed an application with the must knows before I even give you a ring or text. Or if you’re really trying to pursue me you just hand me your resume. I mean wouldn’t that save us all a lot of wasted time? I would then know from a quick glance that your ass aint bout a damn thing or that I might want to make you the future Mr. Butler. I mean it would save me a lot babysitting money or having to waste my time to look around for a sitter….to ask my dad so he can give me that “all niggas aint shit” look so watch your back or ask my girls so they can say “This maybe the one!!!”. I will have not wasted my anytime minutes or unlimited text on someone who just keeps asking “So when can I see you” or my favorite “When can I come over?” although you haven’t even tried to take me on a date or woooo me in anyway because I must have missed the “TRAMP” stamp on my forehead when we exchanged numbers. Thank GOODNESS for Caller ID, I mean that was just heaven sent!!!! It would allow me pick out the cheap skates from the givers, or the I’m just tryna hitters. I possibly could figure out by your references and the last person you were with that you may be crazy, a hypocrite, you might have unreasonable standards to live up to, you’re a sweetie, or lovable, or maybe your single because you just haven’t found that right person yet…..I mean who knows how much post information I could gain from reviewing this application beforehand!!!!! It could save us all from a lot of wasted time, disappointment and heartache in the long run. If only it were this easy! And I’m sure you’re saying to yourself what if they lie on their app or resume, well then as the old saying goes “what’s done in the dark will always come to the light”. I guess until we’re really able to use this magnificent method for meeting someone new we’ll have to stick to the old generic form of meeting people…the awkward introduction, the exchange of numbers, the constant texting because even tho we have unlimited minutes no one talks on the phone anymore, the billion questions to get to know one another, and let’s not forget about the wonderful dates we will have to experience. I suppose this will do for now……

*****Please see application below****

Application for Potential Date

Joy is an Equal Opportunity Dater committed to excellence through diversity. Dating offers are made on the basis of qualifications and without regard to race…depending on how you look (DJM), religion…as long as it’s not Satan, national or ethnic origin.

Please Type Or Print: Complete the entire application. You may attach a resume, but you MUST complete all questions: or your application will be deemed incomplete and may not be considered.

Position Appling for: A Date: Wife Material: A “Buddy”:
Name (Last, First, Middle):				Nicknames:
Street Address: Living with someone?			City, State, & Zip:
Email Address:	Cell Phone:				Home Number:
Are you at least 25 years old?		Yes               NO				If NO, what’s your current age?
Last time you had a physical and HIV test?  (please list the date, name of Dr, and their phone number)

Education:

Name of School	City/State	Did you graduate?	Degree received	Major
High School
GED:
College:
Skills: please list skills you feel I should know about               Work Experience: Dates Employed (most recent) From:   To: Full Time   Part Time If part-time, #Hrs/wk Title: Annual Salary: Dates Employed (most recent) From:   To: Full Time   Part Time If part-time, #Hrs/wk Title: Annual Salary: Dates Employed (most recent) From:   To: Full Time   Part Time If part-time, #Hrs/wk Title: Annual Salary: Relationships: Please list most resent person phone number. Name Length of time together   Relationship status    Reason for Separating Children: Please list all children and potential children. Name of Child Gender/age Mother’s Name Mother’s BFF  Name Amount  of Support References: Name     Relationship to you  Phone number Parent/ close Relative Best friend/ close friend   PLEASE READ CAREFULLY AND SIGN THAT YOU UNDERSTAND AND ACCEPT THIS INFORMATION.   I certify that the information on this application and its supporting documents is accurate and complete.  I understand and agree that failure to fully complete the form, or misrepresentation or omission of facts, represents grounds for dropping dat ass and ignoring ALL calls and text, or termination after the start of an official relationship if discovered at a later date.  I authorize Joy B. to investigate, without liability, all statements contained in this application and supporting materials.  I authorize references, ex’s and former employers, without liability, to make full response to any inquiries in connection with this application for dates or relationship. If requested, I agree to submit to a physical exam, criminal and credit background investigation, and/or screening for illegal substances upon conditional offer of going out on a date.  I understand that this document is NOT an offer of a real date or relationship, and that an offer of a future date, if tendered, does NOT constitute a contract for continued guaranteed dates or a relationship with you.  I understand that dating Joy, me is at-will, and the “relationship/ friendship” may be terminated at any time by either party, or any or no reason. If you choose to date you will comply with Joy’s regulations. I understand that if dating on a temporary basis, you would not be entitled to any ass, sexual favors or I would not be required to listen to you whine and cry, and you would be ineligible for any of my time in the future.  If we chose to date on a regular, I understand that I would be required to make mandatory contributions to the Joy’s pockets, closet, shoe collection, and or household.  I understand that any benefits I receive may be subject to change or discontinuation at any time without prior notice.  I understand that the first SIX MONTHS of regular dating represent a provisional period, during which I would not be eligible for a promotion and during which I may be terminated without right of appeal!!!!! Applicant Signature: ____________________________Date: ________________

mAd MiNdEd MoM

I've thought a lot about writing this particular post. I just ask that you don't judge me to much after you read this!! LOL

I've been reading stats on FB (Facebook) recently and I always see all the great stats about how great it is to be a mom, how awesome and proud all the moms feels, how much they love their kids, and all the "I wouldn't trade it for the worlds". But I wonder sometimes why no one ever post the bad parts, the make you wanna pull your hair out moments, the I could break your neck times? How come no one ever mentions those time? I often think am I the only mother who feels like that? Don't get me wrong I love my children more than I love myself and will/would do anything for them!!!!! But I must admit all of my "mommy moments" are not awesome, proud, or loveable. Where is the parenting book at? Not the one that tells you how to change a pamper, or make a bottle, or to get eye level when disciplining your little one. I want the one that tells you that it's possible you'll have an absent parent if you choose to grow up and not be with that loser any longer, the one that has a finical calculator ...a realistic one, the one that says you'll have long days and even shorter nights.

Baby:
How come when you’re pregnant not a damn soul tells you the not so good things about parenting? Like labor hurts like HELL,  you'll get up every 3-4 hrs to feed, and 20pk of pampers cost $15 bucks every week, and if you don't have a stay at home family member...daycare cost damn near $200 a week, but at 20 yrs old that's half your pay check, and that your non children having friends will move on without you. Why did you just tell me how cute my soon to be baby will be, and encourage me shop for the tiny baby clothes that look so freaken cute but they'll grow out of them in two weeks so you really just wasted your damn money!? Why aren’t people more truthful at the beginning? I mean you hear and know about birth control so you could have prevented it but why don't the people who've had a baby before you tell all the hardship they've endured...would it have prevented us from having a baby to begin with? If 16 and Pregnant were out when I was 19 yrs old, would I have taken heave to their hardships of having a baby so young which in turn can almost make it impossible to return to school, or get a better job, or have a immature father to your child who you expect to grow up as fast as you just had to. I really don't know, maybe it was just in God's plan to be a mom at that time and then I no longer question why no one told me...I just do what needs to be done for me and mine.

Growing up:
So, now that I've realized I need to grow up, stop questioning my "what if's", and make decisions not only for myself but for my little one..they're now toddlers and 6,7,8,9 yr olds (pphheeww where did the time go?!?!?). Your children are now in school and instead of dealing with baby's you're dealing with little wanna be grownups....and from what I see they are little uses..lol. They get real attitudes, they talk back now, they ignore you, they don't follow directions, and they're life is playing with friends outside, going to stay over whoever's house will let them be wild children, and they're favorite quote now is "Can you buy me?". Now, IDK about your kids but my 8yr old son GOES HARD IN DA TRAP!!!!! Sometime all I can say is "Really?!?!?" I swear his head is made of metal, and he's what I would consider selectively death in both ears, and he believes himself to be Encyclopedia Brown's brother...this boy knows everything but what he should, and lips NEVER, EVER, EVA, EVA, EVA stops moving. Ok, so someone really could have prepared me for this age!!! The age where he feels like he's smarter and slicker than I am. Now if I think back I remember trying to pull a few slick moves on my dad....but for the most part I was pretty good. But this boy, SMDH..he's on a whole other level.
I feel like I try to be the best mother I can be since he has a 99.98% father who's absent. I do my best to communicate and talk to him but I often find myself frustrated and yelling, while he’s looking at me with the dick face. Was I like this as a child, if so daddy I truly apologize!!!! Lol. I talk to my girlfriends about it and I wonder if I say certain things how I will be judged as a mother. But they too express concern about their child’s behavior and have different parenting methods, who is right…who’s child is better, are they’re children listening to them? WHAT SHOULD I DO?!?!? Do I try their method, do I ignore certain behavior, is this a cry for help? Will I ever figure this out or understand the 8yr old mind? Will we ever have the relationship I hope for us to have? A lot of questions right? Because I often ask myself all of this as a single mother of two. Soon he’ll be a pre-teen and then a teenager and I almost dread what we’ll go through then. Looking forward to great times :/

Future:
I think it’s funny as mother’s we deal with things and move on because we have to be so strong physically and mentally to provide in this world for our families. Things that happen to us as mother’s often go unspoken…you may tell a close friend or family member but besides that it’s hush-hush. Is this because we’re embarrassed of what other people will think…the judgment we’ll receive? The side-eye look, as if “mmm you don’t know what you’re doing”? Do we ever wonder that if we share our stories and frustrations we could be helping the next mother who feels she’s about to lose her mind thinking no one else is going though the same things as herself? I almost like to hear other people’s kid drama because it’s let me know I’m not alone and that my children are not the only hard headed ass children out here, and that I’m not the only one losing my top sometimes. Is that wrong of me? LOL. I know that because there is no “Mommy Handbook” all of this is trial and error and our children are the guinea pigs. None of us are perfect and we will make mistake, stumble along the way, my friends advise that’s given will not always used, and no one’s method of parenting is  better than the next.
As a modern mom my fear of making a mistake that will reunion my children’s life always lingers in the back of mind, hoping I’m not alone in the mother hood journey  is what gets me though my days and weeks. Some days are really hard doing this alone and I want to have a mental break down, and that’s when I think “why didn’t anyone tell me there’d be days like this?!?!?”. I respect and appreciate all of my friends and family who’ve helped me along this journey and hope that although they may not agree with what I do with my children, that they respect my decisions as I respect theirs. I pray and have faith both of my kids will grow up to better and stronger then myself and they’ll be that way because of me!!! Because of my faith, allllllll of my prayers, my commitment to them as a mother, my courage, my mistakes and mishaps, my struggles, and my tears and smiles. We will make it through the baby months, the terrible two’s, the pre-teen, and teenage years if we all stick together and provide mommy support and then maybe we’ll never have to ask that infamous question “Why didn’t anyone tell me?” .