Now Accepting Resumes and Applications

So I was reading someone’s blog and they had a resume, but it wasn’t of their past job positions or work objective. It was about himself, his relationship objective, his education on his macking and man skills, past relationships….why they were together and even why they broke-up, it even had a cute little picture with it. Just in case you need to see your potential prospect J. Well it got me to thinking!!!!! Yes, just in case you’re wondering my hamster does exercise! What if we all had to give our “potentials” a resume or applications about ourselves before we even hit the first date?!?!!?

In this application that I would hand out I need to know your FULL government so that my BFF can google you and Maryland Case search you! I need to know your last 5 relationship statues, even if they were just your “buddies” *wink*wink* along with the most recent ones phone number. I want to know your last 2 most recent residence’s or if you were living with someone, the dates in which you resided there and if you could be a possible nomad. I’m going to need to know your last checkup and HIV test date along with the name and number to the doctor you seen, attached will be a release of information form so that all of this information can be verified by yours truly. Your highest level of education and your 3 most resent job positions held and current annual salary. There will also be a section so that you can list all children and potential children, the name of their mother’s and her best friend and the amount of money in which you give to support these children.  I will also need at least 5 references, two of the 5 being a parent/close relative and a best friend. If ya’ll think of anymore that can be added please let me know as these will go into print soon. LOL

What if every man that wanted my number, I just handed an application with the must knows before I even give you a ring or text. Or if you’re really trying to pursue me you just hand me your resume. I mean wouldn’t that save us all a lot of wasted time? I would then know from a quick glance that your ass aint bout a damn thing or that I might want to make you the future Mr. Butler. I mean it would save me a lot babysitting money or having to waste my time to look around for a sitter….to ask my dad so he can give me that “all niggas aint shit” look so watch your back or ask my girls so they can say “This maybe the one!!!”. I will have not wasted my anytime minutes or unlimited text on someone who just keeps asking “So when can I see you” or my favorite “When can I come over?” although you haven’t even tried to take me on a date or woooo me in anyway because I must have missed the “TRAMP” stamp on my forehead when we exchanged numbers. Thank GOODNESS for Caller ID, I mean that was just heaven sent!!!! It would allow me pick out the cheap skates from the givers, or the I’m just tryna hitters. I possibly could figure out by your references and the last person you were with that you may be crazy, a hypocrite, you might have unreasonable standards to live up to, you’re a sweetie, or lovable, or maybe your single because you just haven’t found that right person yet…..I mean who knows how much post information I could gain from reviewing this application beforehand!!!!! It could save us all from a lot of wasted time, disappointment and heartache in the long run. If only it were this easy! And I’m sure you’re saying to yourself what if they lie on their app or resume, well then as the old saying goes “what’s done in the dark will always come to the light”. I guess until we’re really able to use this magnificent method for meeting someone new we’ll have to stick to the old generic form of meeting people…the awkward introduction, the exchange of numbers, the constant texting because even tho we have unlimited minutes no one talks on the phone anymore, the billion questions to get to know one another, and let’s not forget about the wonderful dates we will have to experience. I suppose this will do for now……

*****Please see application below****

Application for Potential Date

Joy is an Equal Opportunity Dater committed to excellence through diversity. Dating offers are made on the basis of qualifications and without regard to race…depending on how you look (DJM), religion…as long as it’s not Satan, national or ethnic origin.

Please Type Or Print: Complete the entire application. You may attach a resume, but you MUST complete all questions: or your application will be deemed incomplete and may not be considered.

Position Appling for: A Date: Wife Material: A “Buddy”:
Name (Last, First, Middle):				Nicknames:
Street Address: Living with someone?			City, State, & Zip:
Email Address:	Cell Phone:				Home Number:
Are you at least 25 years old?		Yes               NO				If NO, what’s your current age?
Last time you had a physical and HIV test?  (please list the date, name of Dr, and their phone number)

Education:

Name of School	City/State	Did you graduate?	Degree received	Major
High School
GED:
College:
Skills: please list skills you feel I should know about               Work Experience: Dates Employed (most recent) From:   To: Full Time   Part Time If part-time, #Hrs/wk Title: Annual Salary: Dates Employed (most recent) From:   To: Full Time   Part Time If part-time, #Hrs/wk Title: Annual Salary: Dates Employed (most recent) From:   To: Full Time   Part Time If part-time, #Hrs/wk Title: Annual Salary: Relationships: Please list most resent person phone number. Name Length of time together   Relationship status    Reason for Separating Children: Please list all children and potential children. Name of Child Gender/age Mother’s Name Mother’s BFF  Name Amount  of Support References: Name     Relationship to you  Phone number Parent/ close Relative Best friend/ close friend   PLEASE READ CAREFULLY AND SIGN THAT YOU UNDERSTAND AND ACCEPT THIS INFORMATION.   I certify that the information on this application and its supporting documents is accurate and complete.  I understand and agree that failure to fully complete the form, or misrepresentation or omission of facts, represents grounds for dropping dat ass and ignoring ALL calls and text, or termination after the start of an official relationship if discovered at a later date.  I authorize Joy B. to investigate, without liability, all statements contained in this application and supporting materials.  I authorize references, ex’s and former employers, without liability, to make full response to any inquiries in connection with this application for dates or relationship. If requested, I agree to submit to a physical exam, criminal and credit background investigation, and/or screening for illegal substances upon conditional offer of going out on a date.  I understand that this document is NOT an offer of a real date or relationship, and that an offer of a future date, if tendered, does NOT constitute a contract for continued guaranteed dates or a relationship with you.  I understand that dating Joy, me is at-will, and the “relationship/ friendship” may be terminated at any time by either party, or any or no reason. If you choose to date you will comply with Joy’s regulations. I understand that if dating on a temporary basis, you would not be entitled to any ass, sexual favors or I would not be required to listen to you whine and cry, and you would be ineligible for any of my time in the future.  If we chose to date on a regular, I understand that I would be required to make mandatory contributions to the Joy’s pockets, closet, shoe collection, and or household.  I understand that any benefits I receive may be subject to change or discontinuation at any time without prior notice.  I understand that the first SIX MONTHS of regular dating represent a provisional period, during which I would not be eligible for a promotion and during which I may be terminated without right of appeal!!!!! Applicant Signature: ____________________________Date: ________________